The worst part of getting your heart broken is the fact that despite all the school works piled up on your lap, despite the tedious Accounting problems you have to solve, despite the crippled up organizer you have, despite the CPE Exam you need to take this Tuesday which you still haven't studied for, despite keeping yourself locked up in the thought of moving on, still, you find thoughts wandering back to that person...

thinking about the might have been’s,
all your plans.

And then your mind just goes blank again. And you end up realizing the fact that you are not with him now, and that there’s a life ahead of you.

I am writing because I need to get this out. It has only been a few days, but I saw it coming a little bit over a week ago. We still talk and text each other but I don’t know if it’s helping us. I mean, I know for sure, it isn't for me 'cause I still get that glimpse of hope of wanting us to get back together which is Superbad (for him, anyway!). However, certain instances convince me that we are better off as friends.

Hay!
But how do you become friends with someone whom you thought would be THE one for you? I am still trapped in the labyrinth of despair, or hopelessness, of broken dreams and shattered heart.

I want to scream out loudly, "I STILL LOVE YOU!" despite everything that’s been said and done but I’m afraid it’ll only complicate things. It’s different now, I guess. But at least I still have his favorite cap, which I'm not returning IF EVER he asks for it back! Loool! The NY Yankees' cap he was wearing when we first met at school. He lent it to me for me to wear when it was raining, that one day I didn't have a hoodie or an umbrella with me. I forgot to return it to him when we parted streets and I was supposed to bring it back to him the next day but he said I could keep it, so there.

I’ve been exuding that positive vibe ever since the "breakup" (because we weren't OFFICIALLY TOGETHER-TOGETHER) but the fact is, it’s merely a mask. I’m trying to conceal the fact that I feel like a loser. I can give off advices to everyone without having the guts to apply it in my own life. I’ve been there for the people who needed me, but I am not there for myself. I can help heal my friends’ broken hearts, but I don’t know how I can fix mine. And I end up always like this. As in, palaging-palagi nalang.

It’s frustrating as it can be! How can I fall so hard and not notice that I’m completely, utterly lost in memories. HAAAAY, MEMORIES!!! I open my bag, and I find little pieces, like gum foils, reminding me of him. I walk home alone and it reminds me of how we used to walk home together. I cross the street and it reminds me that his house is just one street apart from ours. I smell his cap, and it reminds me of the smell of his room. I go to school and our previous classmates ask me, "How's Christian?" Even when I look at my bilbils, I am reminded of him, because of the chocolates he gave me. Rawr! Everything seems to have that tinge of him… and the truth is, I can’t take it anymore. =((

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