You know that thing when you see someone cute and he smiles and your heart kind of goes like warm butter sliding down hot toast? Well that's what it's like when I see a store. Only it's better.
:
The inevitable.
I woke up to the sounds of my Mom and my Lolo. They were talking over breakfast about what my grandfather's plans are for the money (a $15,000 lump-sum) they, the veterans, MIGHT get now that Obama has signed the stimulus.
"Gusto ko hatiin lahat sa inyong mga anak (8) at apo (16) yun. Tig $500 kayo pare-pareho tapos yung matira, pangastos nalang natin."
"Kaso Papa, papano naman kung kailanganin mo na yun kung sakaling, alam mo na? Maski ayaw nating mangyari yun, maski gusto ka pa naming lahat na mabuhay ng isang dekada pa, eh dapat maging realistic tayo. Tingnan mo yung nangyari kay Mama."
"Kaya nga. Pero pinangako ko na yung kay Mama mo eh. Na pagka makuha ko yun, hahatiin ko sa inyong lahat ng pantay-pantay kasi yun nalang naman mapapamana namin sainyo."
"Eh papano naman kung ikaw na nangailangan? Saan tayo ngayon kukuha? Sa panahon ngayon dapat magtipid na tayo. Lahat naghihirap na, swerte parin nga tayo kahit papano eh. O, nung si Mama nun, hindi nila tatangapin dapat yun sa hospital kung walang 25, 000php na pang down. Tinawag agad sakin yun ni Gina. Pano nalang kung wala akong napadala nun? Nung libing naman ni Mama, malaking gastos din yun. Pinagamit ko na nga sakanya yung plano ko eh. 100,000php yun na pinagipunan ko nun para may insurance ako. Pero okay lang yun kasi kay Mama naman yun eh. Pero pano kung wala akong plano nun? Ngayon ako naman yung nawalan. Kapag, God-forbid, mawala ako ngayon, ano nalang mangyayari sakin? Sa anak ko? Si Nadine wala pa namang trabaho. Papano nalang. Yun, yun yung dapat nating isipin eh. Hindi yung kung meron dumating, ilalabas nalang natin agad. Hindi ganun. Pangit, masama o nakakalungkot man isipin, dapat hinahanda na natin yung mga sarili natin dahil mangyayari't mangyayari yun."
That wasn't really how the conversation went, but pretty much, that was the gyst of it. I know it's inevitable, Death. But I just can't imagine living my life without my Mom. I can't imagine living without her alive. I don't ever want that to happen. I can't even picture her all wrinkly and old-- even thinking about that scares me. I don't want her to leave. I don't. As much as I love and enjoy fighting with and hating her, it would kill me, I know.
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